Hump Day Blues

I knew that there would be times during my YAV year that I would feel lonely, disconnected and distant from family and loved ones. It is during the holiday season and the approaching of Christmas that I have felt this feeling most heavily. Change is never easy, especially in regards to changing the physical proximity of your support system and other familiar things. I have found myself having to face my fears, doubts and insecurities on my own more than ever before. I am not meaning to say that my family and friends don't support me - that is far from the truth - but there is a difference in supporting someone who is far away and experiencing, living and doing things that are vastly different from the things that you are. Pile on top of that the space that this year has created for me to self reflect and truly figure out who I am, which has brought up darker things that are not always easy to talk about and face, has resulted in this year often times feeling very heavy.

I have been told by various people in various ways that the next years of my life are going to be filled with transition and I will in many ways even be defined by these transitions. I can attest to these transitions first hand. I have transitioned to a new city, living with new people with a new daily routine, new responsibilities, new food, new ways of defining my friendships and keeping in touch and most importantly I have been transitioning in adulthood which I have been so fondly referring to as the "real world". Transitioning into this new phase of my life has come with a lot of resistance on my end (I mean who doesn't want to just keep life simple?) After talking with my site coordinator this week she had me to come to a very important realization. Moving on to adulthood means letting go of our childhood, and in essence a lot of our innocence and the simplicity that comes along with that. In reflection of this statement, I have come to realize that there are many events and memories that I hold onto very tightly in order to keep myself in this safe place, the safe place that connects me to my childhood. In order to fully move on and grow up and become an adult I have to let go. Letting go requires working through the pain of some of my past experiences but by working through these events, I can make space for new joys, adventures, failures and learning experiences. Who knew growing up was so hard?

I am beginning to think that the events that I have been lucky and blessed to experience this year are not important because of the tangible work- building houses, working with volunteers, volunteering at the animal shelter, being a personal shopper at First Presbyterian Church - but that these experiences have the most meaning in the lessons that they teach me. I have found that these past four months have slowly but persistently been opening me up to more willingly learn about myself, without judgment, from the world around me and the people I meet. I have never really looked at every experience as an opportunity to learn and grow and change. It's an exhausting task that requires self awareness, honesty with yourself and most importantly the openness the learn and accept the way things are and the way you are. But it is more often than not that the most challenging tasks are the most rewarding. It is these thoughts that I try to keep in mind as I miss my family and friends. I am trying to turn my sadness, loneliness and grief into an opportunity to learn more about myself. This is not easy (sometimes I find myself just wanting to lay in my bed and just feel sorry for myself) but I think that through awareness I can get to a place where I can find peace with the struggles I face with being on my own. Bring it on.

Why end on a serious note when you can end on an adorable one? So I will leave y'all with this priceless picture of this baby boy and his dog napping together. I think it might possibly be one of the cutest things I have ever seen. You can view all the adorable pictures by clicking here.

Lesson from the Journey: Learning about yourself is hard but worthwhile work.