Thoughts On Friendship

One of the most important lessons I have learned about myself this year is how much I define myself through others. Although I have ultimately dubbed this as an area that I need to work on in myself, it has also revealed itself to be the driving force behind my passion and love that I have to give to other people. It's funny how your defining characteristics can also be your inherent flaws.

I was talking to my best friend from home yesterday and we somehow launched ourselves into this discussion of the importance of friendships. Now, we have been friends for over 9 years and it still surprises me how differently we define, handle and embrace relationships. For me, I have a hard time letting go of people who really mean a lot to me. Losing a close friend is just about the most painful thing I can imagine and is directly linked to the passion and energy I put into my relationships. Now my friend, although I'm sure it pains him to lose a close friend, is much better at rolling with the punches and appreciating a relationship for what it was. Me? Well, I just become a hot mess.

A few months ago, my roommate and wetlands extraordinaire Colleen, took Project Homecoming's Americorps and YAV volunteers for a wetlands tour in Jean Lafitte. As we walked along the path we came across a tree that had a marker indicating it was 600 years old. This led us all into a discussion about logging throughout history and how it is very common for loggers to plant new trees to replace the ones they have cut down. Colleen then asked us a very obvious yet profound question, "How long does it take for a new tree to become 600 years old?" The answer is obviously 600 years but what is really being said here?

I came up with this analogy last night when talking to my friend about relationships and I am going to transcribe word for word our conversation.

Me: I am terrified of following my dreams sometimes because I feel like I might lose all my friends. Like they'll just forget about while I'm out doing what I feel like I need to do. I'm sure I'll get new ones but it's not the same. I thought of this weird analogy the other day, like when loggers go out in the forest and chop down trees and they're like look! We're going to plant all these trees to replace the ones we cut down and that's great and all but the trees they cut down were old and mature and took years to grow. Whereas the new trees are young and weak and not even guaranteed to survive. My point is I will always make friends because I know I am a worthwhile person but I cannot survive in a forest of young trees without some old, mature trees there too.

My friend: That's a good analogy. I just thought of something while brushing my teeth. Don't miss out on forming new relationships because you're trying too hard to preserve old ones. Don't forget to water your new trees with the old ones. The new trees need the most attention.

The truth is, embracing this new stage of life where nothing is permanent - my job, my city, my friends - is really hard. The optimist in me is screaming that everything is going to be alright and to look at all that I'm learning but the reality of it all is that I am really scared. I am starting to think that I am not exactly sure how to be alone. I grew up in a house of 7 people, played on a soccer team and went to college where I joined a sorority - always surrounded by people. My friend knows this about me and shared with me something he wrote about the only constant in our lives is ourselves.

Man's only state is isolation. The physical world cannot provide any sort of meaningful closeness. Connections are forged over time and cannot be forced. The formula is incalculable. The right combination is impossible to predict. It is a fluid entity which wavers, often at a moment's notice. Drastic changes are shocking to the core. The constant is the self; a perpetual existence that is impossible to escape. In a room surrounded by friends, man fails to realize that he is alone. This realization is often suppressed by mean deliberate and otherwise. It takes immense strength to confront the truth head on. The battle rages on for what seems like an eternity, but each day brings one closer to understanding. Eventually one learns to listen to what the enemy has to say, and in listening begins to understand what makes him so strong. Once that strength is harnessed, a new state is achieved. A state where the horizon is permeated with a crisp freshness, the result of few inhabitants.

Friendships are important but they don't define you. What you do defines you. People help you out along the way, push you to do things you wouldn't have otherwise, pick you up when you're down and love you when you just get out of bed but that's it. I felt a weird sense of self-awareness and power after having that conversation.

Lesson from the Journey: I feel like I have finally given myself permission and reassured myself that it is ok to follow my dreams wherever they take me.