Sneauxday in New Orleans

Living in a city that never hits temperatures below freezing has been great. I get the pleasure of experiencing warm weather throughout a majority of the year, with winter typically lasting a month or two tops. Guess I brought the cold from New Jersey down here! This cold front that has been sweeping the south has shown me just how incapable cities like New Orleans are in dealing with cold weather. It has been below freezing for 72 hours and pretty much the entire city shut down. There are no plows dumping salt on the roads and since New Orleans has many bridges - including the Causeway which is the longest continuous bridge over water in the world - they were all frozen making it nearly impossible to go anywhere.

I live right below the "N" in New Orleans and I work at the blue dot...it was an adventure getting to work this morning! All the redness signifies closed bridges and highways.

One thing I have noticed walking around the city is that no one in New Orleans seems to own a winter coat. This makes complete sense as there is not usually a need for one but the alternate methods I see for keeping warm is nothing short of comical. People have resorted to just layering clothes and scarves tied tight around their heads. I truly have taken for granted not only my winter coat but the snow plows and ice trucks of the north that can so adequately deal with snow. This is what happens when temperatures go below freezing in a city like New Orleans:

• The city government shuts down
• The Fire Department stages crews and resources to folks living in Algiers and the Lower Ninth Ward in case they are isolated in their community due to bridges being closed off
• The NOPD is stationed at all bridge and highway entrances in case they are ordered closed (which they were)
• Streetcar service is shut down and limited bus service is available in certain areas
• Any flight leaving after 11am on Janurary 28th was cancelled at Louis Armstrong Airport
• You see a car in a river on the way to work

A car in the water. 

On a lighter note, I got a snow day yesterday and our house planned a murder mystery dinner. I had never done one before and it turned out to be A LOT of fun. There were 8 parts and we all got dressed up according to our character descriptions (which was probably the best part). Then there were 4 rounds where through conversation and clues information is revealed to try and find the killer. It's basically like playing interactive clue while also eating dinner and drinking wine. It was a ton of fun and we all got really into it.

Our murder mystery dinner! We all dressed up and were looking pretty fly if you ask me :)

There were 9 of us and 8 parts so Jess and I decided to be the same character. Our name was Rogan S. Coundrell so I drew on mustaches and made us "Fine Ass Cigars" out of paper. Jess donated the matching scarves...and this is what you get!

Lesson from the Journey: I like being in a warm place (or where it's warm most of the time!) I honestly don't miss the cold or the snow at all. I think snow belongs on mountains and I really like being warm. It's supposed to be in the 70's this weekend and I can't wait :)

To the Aquarium

Each month the Americorp and YAV members of Project Homecoming get the privilege of exploring the city. This month we got to go to the Aubudon Aquarium of the Americas! I personally love aquariums and since the day was cold and rainy, it was perfect to be inside and learn about the wonderful aquatic life under the sea. Although I have been to a few aquariums before, I always seem to get that little kid feeling whenever I go. Inside my head is like "Oh my gosh! Look at that!" and "That fish is huge!" and "I need to see everything in this aquarium!"

Valentina and Alex looking as excited as I feel.

These special type of jellyfish lay on the ocean floor with their tentacles in the air. They look as though they are dead or playing dead...but the sign next to the tank assured us that they are full of life!

Who doesn't love penguins? This one penguin swam in circles right up against the glass enjoying all the observers.

The coolest part of the day though was seeing the Sea Otter exhibit where we were just in time to see a feeding. The woman feeding the otters had a microphone and told us some history about the two otters they had - Buck and Emma - and some interesting facts about otters in general. Here are the facts that I can recall:

• Sea otters eat 5 times a day, about 8 lbs in total because they have such a high metabolism. 
• They eat shell fish and each feeding ends with a blue crab.
• They live for 10-12 years in the wild and up to 20 in captivity.
• One square inch of their skin has the same amount of hair that the average human does on their entire head.
• Both of the sea otters at the aquarium were abandoned by their mother and never learned how to hunt in the wild. They were rescued by the aquarium.
• The Audubon Aquarium has one female and one male otter named Emma and Buck respectively.

How cute are their little paws?

Some other cool exhibits that I saw included seahorses, glow jellyfish and fish that I got up close and personal with. The aquarium was unfortunately under some construction so we weren't able to through the Caribbean Tunnel which is one of those glass tunnels that you can walk through and see aquatic life from all angles. But regardless, we got to see some pretty cool stuff and the best part? It was free!

The detail on some of these fish is incredible - this one was one of my favorites.

I LOVE seahorses. I also especially love that they curl their tails around coral when they want to rest.

Just me inside a fish tank, chilling with some fish.

I really love that I get to experience a new aspect of the city every month. I am officially half way done with my YAV year and time (as always) is going faster than I could have ever expected. I really love this city a lot and it is reinforced through all that I do here. I am definitely going to miss it when I leave and I want to be able to look back and say that I did it all. 

Lesson from the Journey: When it gets really cold in New Orleans they put all the animals in the zoo in their nighttime cages making our original plans to go to the zoo not worthwhile. So that is how we ended up at the aquarium! But Alex, Valentina and I took an awesome picture in front of the zoo which I can't not share - so here it is:

I haven't been inside the zoo but I've been in front of it!

Love Yourself

My whole life my biggest fear has been being alone.
I've taught myself to be charming enough, likable enough, funny enough to have friends.
I thought these friendships were the glue that held my flesh together.
If they were to end or if I didn't do everything in my power to keep them, I would fall apart. Literally.
It's scary territory to be in a place where other people seem to control your fate.
I feel my friends pain, happiness, suffering and joy as if it were my own,
and to a degree - it was.
I have sewn my friends into the fabric of my being.
I do not belong to myself anymore but I belong to something and that is good enough for me.
I feel wanted. I feel needed. I feel that I have a purpose.
I rarely ask myself what I want.
My wants and needs are framed around others - I become a peacekeeper at the expense of myself.
I hate admitting this.
It's easier to love others than love yourself.
I think this is because you can't hide from yourself.
You know everything that you've done and it's easy to feel unworthy of forgiveness.
I think this is partly because it is easy to feel sorry for ourselves,
and partly because being forgiven - asking for forgiveness - means facing our demons.
I had a conversation with my friend the other day.
She helped me come to the conclusion that I define myself through others.
She says I have a hard time seeing worth in a relationship that I cannot give to.
She says I have a hard time separately myself emotionally from relationships.
She says I should try therapy.
She tells everyone to go to therapy.
I told her that therapy didn't work for me because I have trouble opening up to a therapist.
I don't like how it feels forced and awkward.
They would know everything about me and that doesn't sit right.
She asked me if I thought therapy might be hard because I couldn't offer the therapist anything.
That it was a one-sided relationship.
She was dead on.
I need to learn the importance of my own needs.
It is through this realization that I have recognized how much I want and need to forgive myself.
I don't like a lot of me.
My low self esteem is deep and underneath layers of optimism and bubbly happiness.
Admitting an ugly part of you and loving yourself anyways is not easy.
It's easy to make excuses for my problems.
Why you are the way you are.
I told myself that I had been through some shit but this thought didn't hold much weight.
Everyone has been through some sort of hell.
I kept trying to rationalize my actions and my thoughts.
Why? Why? Why? The burning question in my mind.
But I think it's when we stop focusing on the why,
stop asking questions about the things we did and the thoughts we had
and stop beating ourselves up senselessly on things we cannot change
and just forgive ourselves, that's when we're onto something.
That's the funny thing about forgiveness I think.
It's not about what you are letting go of,
it's about the state of peace you are moving towards.
Ever since I decided to start forgiving myself, I have been learning to love myself.
A little more each day.
I wonder if I am getting closer to God.
I'm still unsure what this means.
I have been feeling something lately though - deep within me.
I want to try and describe it but I fear it will not do it justice.
But it feels almost like a compass has been instilled in me.
Almost as if through forgiving myself, I earned it as a prize.
There are times when the compass feels far away and all I can hear is the faint tick ticking as the needle adjusts to the proper direction.
But there are other times when I feel the tick ticking vibrating on my eardrums, pressing on my heart.
As if the compass has been magnified to a hundred times its size and I am standing on the needle pointing to some direction I can't make out.
Because I am so small.
And too close up.
But it's ok because I am not even worried about the direction I am going.
I am just in awe.
This tension between feeling so far away and so close up has been frustrating in my faith but oddly comforting.
It's as if I am lost but I have a map and enough gas in the car.
I just know it's going to be ok.
I know I am going in the right direction despite the bumps along the way.
I just have to keep going.



Lesson from the Journey: Writing is therapeutic.

Down the Bayou

This past Saturday, the New Orleans YAV community drove down to Bayou Blue for our monthly community service day. Colleen had organized us to help out some families in her church community who needed assistance around the house. We started out at the Beavers' house where they were working on transforming the back house into livable quarters so their grandson could move into the main house. We were expecting to help with the construction but ended up mostly talking to Irene and keeping her company. She is a lovely and spunky 83 year old woman who made us all laugh.

She started out by giving us a grand tour of her house, pointing out all the woodwork that her husband had made. It was quite impressive - desks to tables to chairs - all made by hand! She also had the original gas lamps from the church before they had electricity. Her house was full of cool antiques and history including a beautiful cuckoo clock from Germany, cast iron banks and old photos. I loved hearing her stories, her family history and her triumph over cancer not once, but twice.

Shameless selfie with Irene and Alex

Anna Leigh in her construction zone helping measure the wood to be cut

Lining up the wood ceiling panel to be nailed in

Me on a ladder looking busy and important

After a quick lunch, we headed over to help Shirley, who is confined to a wheelchair and needed help picking fruit off her orange and kumquat trees. When I arrived at her house, we spent the first hour just talking. She told us about her family showing us countless pictures, gave us a tour of her house pointing out all her Mardi Gras decorations and finally took us out back where she has 15 orange trees and 2 kumquat trees.

Mardi Gras decorations! This was just the fireplace...

Orange trees!

Unfortunately much of the fruit had froze due to the cold front that had come through the previous week so many of the oranges needed to be picked and disposed of. Louisiana is not accustomed to cold temperatures let alone those below freezing so both people and nature were shocked by the cold. It was interesting when Shirley was telling us about how each tree produces a different kind of orange. Some were sweet and others were more tangy or sour. Some of the sweeter oranges had a thicker skin which had protected them from the cold so we picked those and ate them right off the tree. Delicious.

Alex and Sydney disposing of the oranges that died during the freeze. Looks like Alex got a slam dunk!

Cool gecko that found a patch of warm sun on an orange

Me eating an orange right off the tree. They were insanely delicious.

Now the best part of my day was after we filled up a container of oranges we went inside and got to juice them! I have never had orange juice more fresh. We juiced a few different types of oranges - Louisiana Sweet, Blood Orange and another type - and they all tasted drastically different. We all took turns using the juicer and tasting each of the different juices. Shirley was so happy to be sharing her oranges with us and sent us home with 6 plastic grocery bags full of them! Needless to say I have oranges for days.

Shirley showing us the ropes!

Me juicing the Louisiana Sweet oranges...notice more Mardi Gras decorations in the background!

I got the sense pretty quickly that our service day wasn't about hanging ceiling boards or picking oranges but more about being present and listening to both Irene and Shirley share their stories. They were both elated to have a group of young people that just wanted to sit and spend time with them. It is days like this that make me stop and appreciate the little things in life that bring SO much joy. I think we often take for granted how important it is to be listened to and stop what we're doing and just be. This is extremely difficult and doesn't make an interesting picture (like me squeezing oranges) or doesn't really make that great of a story (we just sat there and talked...the end?) but I could easily argue it is one of the most important things you can do. I left Bayou Blue full of joy and content with the day. 

Lesson from the Journey: Alex can (kind of) juggle!

Thoughts On Friendship

One of the most important lessons I have learned about myself this year is how much I define myself through others. Although I have ultimately dubbed this as an area that I need to work on in myself, it has also revealed itself to be the driving force behind my passion and love that I have to give to other people. It's funny how your defining characteristics can also be your inherent flaws.

I was talking to my best friend from home yesterday and we somehow launched ourselves into this discussion of the importance of friendships. Now, we have been friends for over 9 years and it still surprises me how differently we define, handle and embrace relationships. For me, I have a hard time letting go of people who really mean a lot to me. Losing a close friend is just about the most painful thing I can imagine and is directly linked to the passion and energy I put into my relationships. Now my friend, although I'm sure it pains him to lose a close friend, is much better at rolling with the punches and appreciating a relationship for what it was. Me? Well, I just become a hot mess.

A few months ago, my roommate and wetlands extraordinaire Colleen, took Project Homecoming's Americorps and YAV volunteers for a wetlands tour in Jean Lafitte. As we walked along the path we came across a tree that had a marker indicating it was 600 years old. This led us all into a discussion about logging throughout history and how it is very common for loggers to plant new trees to replace the ones they have cut down. Colleen then asked us a very obvious yet profound question, "How long does it take for a new tree to become 600 years old?" The answer is obviously 600 years but what is really being said here?

I came up with this analogy last night when talking to my friend about relationships and I am going to transcribe word for word our conversation.

Me: I am terrified of following my dreams sometimes because I feel like I might lose all my friends. Like they'll just forget about while I'm out doing what I feel like I need to do. I'm sure I'll get new ones but it's not the same. I thought of this weird analogy the other day, like when loggers go out in the forest and chop down trees and they're like look! We're going to plant all these trees to replace the ones we cut down and that's great and all but the trees they cut down were old and mature and took years to grow. Whereas the new trees are young and weak and not even guaranteed to survive. My point is I will always make friends because I know I am a worthwhile person but I cannot survive in a forest of young trees without some old, mature trees there too.

My friend: That's a good analogy. I just thought of something while brushing my teeth. Don't miss out on forming new relationships because you're trying too hard to preserve old ones. Don't forget to water your new trees with the old ones. The new trees need the most attention.

The truth is, embracing this new stage of life where nothing is permanent - my job, my city, my friends - is really hard. The optimist in me is screaming that everything is going to be alright and to look at all that I'm learning but the reality of it all is that I am really scared. I am starting to think that I am not exactly sure how to be alone. I grew up in a house of 7 people, played on a soccer team and went to college where I joined a sorority - always surrounded by people. My friend knows this about me and shared with me something he wrote about the only constant in our lives is ourselves.

Man's only state is isolation. The physical world cannot provide any sort of meaningful closeness. Connections are forged over time and cannot be forced. The formula is incalculable. The right combination is impossible to predict. It is a fluid entity which wavers, often at a moment's notice. Drastic changes are shocking to the core. The constant is the self; a perpetual existence that is impossible to escape. In a room surrounded by friends, man fails to realize that he is alone. This realization is often suppressed by mean deliberate and otherwise. It takes immense strength to confront the truth head on. The battle rages on for what seems like an eternity, but each day brings one closer to understanding. Eventually one learns to listen to what the enemy has to say, and in listening begins to understand what makes him so strong. Once that strength is harnessed, a new state is achieved. A state where the horizon is permeated with a crisp freshness, the result of few inhabitants.

Friendships are important but they don't define you. What you do defines you. People help you out along the way, push you to do things you wouldn't have otherwise, pick you up when you're down and love you when you just get out of bed but that's it. I felt a weird sense of self-awareness and power after having that conversation.

Lesson from the Journey: I feel like I have finally given myself permission and reassured myself that it is ok to follow my dreams wherever they take me.

The Craziest Day

When things start to go really wrong or not the way you thought they would, a common saying is to "expect the unexpected". As soon as things started to go wrong yesterday, even expecting the unexpected could not prepare for the craziness of my day.

It all started when I started work at noon yesterday. I went to Restaurant Depot to get food for the 90 college volunteers we have this week from TCNJ. I am at the check out and I find out that I do not have enough money on my company card. Now this is not a big issue - I simply have to call my boss and ask her to put more money on my card. There is definitely fine print in my job description that reads "guaranteed to be stranded in a store with an empty card".

I arrive at work with all the food I have purchased and am unloading it when I get the news that all the pipes in the shower and bathroom trailers had froze over night. This means we have 90 volunteers and 0 showers. Just imagine 90 sweaty, tired, smelly college kids coming back from the work sites and not being able to shower. This is what I was imagining ensuing:

We called the plumbers to see if they could help us but they replied that they could do nothing for frozen pipes. So Emma and I filled the sinks in the kitchen with hot water, grabbed some buckets and got to work! For two hours we were pouring water down the drains of the showers, blow drying the sink pipes with hairdryers borrowed from volunteers and chipping half inch thick ice off the shower trailer floors. I am pleased to inform you that we got all the showers up and running and the sinks! I have never been happier to see running water in my life.

I also should mention that at the same time I found out that the pipes had froze I also found out that the oven broke, the stove top burners need to be manually lit because the pilot light is weak, the heat in one of the rooms broke and as I am walking back to my office after a half hour of scraping ice, the smoke detector starts chirping. I am running around trying to make sure dinner can be made with our broken appliances, I move a space heater into the room with the broken heat, and at this point I don't even hear the chirping smoke detector because I am so overwhelmed.

The oven part won't be in until the next day so we basically improvise dinner. I feel like I have been improvising the entire day at this point so it doesn't even phase me. Dinner is cooking, the room with the broken heat is (fingers crossed) hopefully warming up and the smoke detector is still chirp, chirp, chirping. I make a run to Winn Dixie to get french bread to go with the pasta and upon driving there notice that my car is making a loud, gurgling sound coming from the engine. Now my engine has been sounding loud for a few weeks now and when the service engine soon light came on a few days ago I had an appointment for this upcoming Friday. I discuss with my dad and he says NO WAY am I driving that thing any further. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I must tow my car.

So I call AAA and they inform me that someone will be there in the next 45 minutes which means I will be late to my weekly Tuesday YAV meeting. Can I get a break? So I help the volunteers finish cooking dinner and as they are getting settled down and I prepare to make my announcements. I start off by thanking them for being so understanding during the chaos and then my phone rings. The tow trunk is here! So I hand over my announcements to the group leader and meet the tow truck guy. He hooks up my car, I grab my stuff and he drives both me and my car to our proper homes for the evening.

I found out today that my muffler needs to be replaced because it has rusted out from normal wear and tear (phew!) I am much more relaxed today but boy oh boy what a day yesterday was.

Lesson from the Journey: My car in its current state sounds like a motorcycle. You can hear me coming from miles away and in the words of the tow truck man "you can't creep up on no one with your car like that".

Christmas Break

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Happy New Year! I am back in New Orleans after a great break filled with family, delicious food, snow covered mountains and Santa visiting :) I have done quite a bit in the past two weeks so I think it is easiest to tell my story in pictures (I took many!) It's hard to believe that the next time I will be in New Jersey is after my YAV year is up. It was comforting and relaxing to be in the presence of my family. I love them more than they know and to part with them is really hard. On that same note, however, I missed New Orleans when I was away so it is nice to be back. I just wish I could have packed my family in my suitcase as well! It is an ongoing battle to convince them that yes, they must come visit me while I live down here. Hopefully that will happen in the near future...but for now, here are the top highlights from my wonderful break.

My roommate gave me this book called Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller for my birthday. It's one of the best books I have ever encountered. I say encountered because it didn't feel like a book when I was reading it, it felt like a being - almost alive. For the first half of the book I couldn't read more than one chapter a day because I was so overwhelmed with the questions it asked and the ideas it forced me to think about. I was overwhelmed yet undeniably intrigued. I drank in every word and the second I was finished, I knew I couldn't wait to read it again. I have never had a book challenge or make me think about my beliefs the way Blue Like Jazz did. I filled up pages on pages in my journal on my thoughts of the book. I went out and bought two more books by Donald Miller and I can't wait to start them.

This book was thought provoking, funny, and extremely well written. I recommend it to anyone! It's a great read that no matter what you believe (if anything!) you can get a lot out of it. 

On Christmas Eve, me, my dad and my cousin climbed one of the mountains in Bedford, PA that surrounds my Grandma's house. It's not an easy hike - it's pretty steep and the last quarter of the hike is more like rock climbing. You pretty much make your own path where your sense of direction consists of walking up the mountain, trying to avoid thorns and loose rocks. It was a foggy day and it was snowing on and off the entire hike but it felt so good to be hiking and who doesn't like being on top of a mountain looking down below?

We made it to the top!

Foggy view and tired legs but feeling accomplished!

Oh to be reunited. Seeing some of my friends that I hadn't seen since graduation was wonderful. I traveled into the city and got the grand tour of where my now super grown up friends live. It's actually pretty crazy now that I stop to actually think about it. All my friends are doing really well - they all have jobs that for the most part they love. They pay bills and live in cute apartments and have couches delivered and cook dinner and have things on the walls. I am so proud of all of them and it was so nice to catch up like old times. We ended up getting all dressed up to go out but when we got to the bar and realized we couldn't all hear each other, we were back in our pajamas, eating pizza, watching Modern Family before you know it. I miss my friends every day and to have a whole night with them was really awesome.

I have the best friends in the world who will shamelessly take public mirror pictures with me. 

The best part by far of my break though was traveling to the beautiful state of Colorado to visit my uncle and aunt and the mountains of course. We spent 5 days skiing Winter Park and Mary Jane and were even lucky enough to get 20 inches of snow during our visit! Let me say that again...20 inches of snow! I had never skied in so much powder - it was light and fluffy and up to my knees. I also had to restrain myself from taking all the pictures I wanted to but it would have filled up my phone. I truly have missed mountains and snow and - dare I say it - the cold! It was a nice change of pace to bundle up and enjoy the cold wind on your face as you came down the mountain. I also got the opportunity to make Jambalaya for my family! It turned out great and they all loved it - subtle hint to get everyone to visit me....I think so!

On the plane to Colorado (minus Thomas who is sitting in the row ahead of us!)

Chicken, shrimp and andouille sausage jambalaya!

Went from sea level to over 9,500 feet of elevation! 

All 11 of us at the top of Mary Jane! The mountain behind us has been nicknamed the Baseball Mitt by my uncle, aunt and cousins. Pretty accurate name, huh?

Sun over the mountains. You don't get these kinds of views in flat Louisiana. 

It's a Mary Jane mountain unwritten policy that it is ok to leave your board, skis and poles outside while you buy your tickets, get some lunch or if you're just doing your thing

Me and my mom on the ski lift!

I could lie and say that this sunset is photoshopped but then it would be a lie. That's an unedited Colorado sky for you ladies and gentlemen.

Being with my family always make me realize how lucky I am. Not because we all get along all the time and not because we are really good at not losing things and not because we never, ever get on each other's nerves but because they are my family and I know they will always be there. I think I'm starting to understand unconditional love. I love my entire family - flaws and all - simply because they are mine and I am so lucky to have such amazing, supportive people in my life. Not everyone gets that and on top of it we're not that bad looking are we.....

My family is weird and awesome and crazy and one of a kind. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I must admit that although my break was awesome, coming home was filled with more emotions than I had expected. It was different than coming home from college. The ties that have connected me to home and friends seem to have taken on a new shape. Now I know part of this disconnect stems from the fact that every day I wake up in a different time zone, with different weather, hundreds of miles away from the people I feel this disconnect from. But this feeling that washed over me as I stepped off the plane and was greeted by my family at the airport was something more than this. I just felt different. I think a lot of what I am feeling is something that is internal. New Jersey didn't change, I have changed and adapting to this change is something I have no idea how to do since I am just beginning to realize how much I have changed since I have moved to New Orleans. It's exciting and terrifying and awesome.

Lessons from the Journey: When you do something different you will become something different. But the ones that mind don't matter and the ones that matter don't mind - they love you for you, whatever that turns out to be.